As I passed the end of my 82nd year of living, I came to a realization. For my biological offspring, I am no more than a sperm donor rather than the father that loved, nourished, protected, and provided for them. This dawned on me when spending time with family history. I have piles of records about my ancestors (and theirs) and personal possessions handed down that I deeply treasure.
In reality, my branch of the “Blacklidge” family tree really ended with me. One offspring earlier returned both a book about family genealogy and the beautiful roll top desk of his great grandfather — the book now is in the public library and the desk is now treasured by his uncle. Another created issues in a business partnership with me. All have made the choice of non-acceptance of my choice of divorce from their mother over 40 years ago in 1979. Two of them later chose divorce for themselves; one multiple times. My decision 40 years ago was to live my life with a partner I love and for whom I am thankful and feel blessed every day.
All chose to blame me and their step-mother for “family” disruption. For the two that have been through divorce, I doubt they placed total responsibility upon themselves. It was always the “other”. None lived the marital relationship between their mother and me which began when I was only 19 — hardly a mature adult. All have chosen to side solely with their mother and her stories.
A blended, loving family — that is what my wife of now over 34 years wanted. We wanted to include all if all behaved as respectful, mature, caring, loving adults. Chosen sides were set in concrete, never to change over time with walls always up and relationships severed.
As a result, the loss and sorrow has been great. It is not only tragic to lose connection with one’s own bio offspring, but even worse to not be a part of sharing the lives of grandchildren. The grandchildren will never know the loss, not of their choosing, they have suffered. Family ties were irreparably severed. It is like a death.
For those who are facing a divorce, particularly for any offspring, I offer some thoughts. Consider carefully before taking one side or another. Consider that you, with certainty, do not know the extent and details of a marital relationship between any two other people. Consider that stories told may well be tainted, untrue, fabricated, self-serving or incomplete. Consider that you have not walked in the shoes of another….. ever. Consider that every truth may yet to be told.
A thought comes to me: “Judge not, lest ye be judged”.
Merry Christmas…..